Let’s breakdown United’s latest apology statement

United released another statement addressing the incident involving a passenger being knocked unconscious and dragged off one of their planes.

It has been less than a week since video surfaced of Chicago Airport Security knocking a United passenger unconscious and dragging him off a plane. The reason being he didn’t want to give up his seat on an overbooked flight he paid for.

Seems like the kind of thing to beat the crap out of someone over.

In the wake of the incident, United has managed to burp up all over themselves like the idiot man-child corporation they seem to be. That’s not my personal opinion, that’s what each statement they’ve released has made them come across as. An initial statement softly victim blamed while an internal memo went harder in the paint to slander the passenger — Dr. Dao — as belligerent.

Another statement as been released, making it at least three in a week, as United tries to mop up all the drool they’ve covered themselves with.

Let’s breakdown United’s latest statement trying to convince us they’re not the worst:

We continue to express our sincerest apology to Dr. Dao. We cannot stress enough that we remain steadfast in our commitment to make this right.

This is pretty much standard practice in apology letters, especially when your initial stance was to victim blame. United came off the top rope with an attack on Dr. Dao which went over as well as you’d expect it would.

This horrible situation has provided a harsh learning experience from which we will take immediate, concrete action. We have committed to our customers and our employees that we are going to fix what’s broken so this never happens again.

What is a little troubling about this is the fact that United just skips over other incidents that have been brought up in the wake of this one. From the nefarious anti-leggings stance United has taken to stories about customers being handcuffed, customer mistreatment seems to be a macro issue. Also, when a company — or anyone — does something wrong and says it will never happen again, that’s an empty canned response that carries little weight. It’s bark, no bite.

First, we are committing that United will not ask law enforcement officers to remove passengers from our flights unless it is a matter of safety and security.

This statement says nothing. Perhaps we won’t have a person being dragged off a plane, but United, in one sentence, says they will not use police force unless they feel it’s necessary — which is a gigantic loop hole.

Second, we’ve started a thorough review of policies that govern crew movement, incentivizing volunteers in these situations, how we handle oversold situations and an examination of how we partner with airport authorities and local law enforcement.

This is more of United saying things that they need to say, which would have been nice in the first statement and not whatever draft we’re dealing with at this point. It’s progress though, I suppose.

Third, we will fully review and improve our training programs to ensure our employees are prepared and empowered to put our customers first. Our values – not just systems – will guide everything we do.

It’s hard to not read this whole thing in a condescending tone. We don’t need to hear every way that this is going to be fixed, we need to know how it has been fixed. This isn’t rocket science, there’s no need for a giant study to be conducted. If there’s one thing that will get people to forgive United it’s lower fare and higher incentives to fly. The idea that you need to be reminded by policy that you won’t be dragged off the plane while unconscious should go without saying.

We’ll communicate the results of our review and the actions we will take by April 30.

This is really the only thing you need to take away from the statement. Circle April 30th and we’ll see what United has in store as far as making us want to not avoid them like an ex in the grocery store.